AFRICAN AMERICAN MARRIAGE

For Life, For Love, For the Community
Special thanks to all of AAM’s site visitors and supporters from all across the world.
                                                                                                          3,500 visitors and counting.....
The African American Marriage Ning Network: http://africanamericanmarriage.ning.com/

President Obama has declared
November: Military Families Month:

President Barack Obama
Promoting Families: Promoting Prosperity

Barack and Michelle Obama: An Image of Love and Support

 

 

When you help your spouse to achieve their dreams, not only will your spouse and family members feel blessed; but the world will also take notice. 


 



 

Juneteenth 2009- Celebrating the end of slavery

Marriage Retreat Cruise 2010

***Still dating my spouse.ning is organizing a 

Married Couples' Retreat Cruise for 2010. 

Visit the celebrate marriage page for details.

About us

African American Marriage is focused on providing a website to engage African Americans in the topic of healthy relationships. It was founded and created by Abigail Ryan-Allrich. Abigail Ryan-Allrich is a certified mediator and PREP Leader.

Human happiness is largely derived from a sense of belonging, being needed, appreciated, receiving and providing affection as well as compassion. For this reason we seek out intimate relationships. If the relationship ends we generally seek out another. Essentially, we depend on and need the support of others. Infidelity causes hurt and often results in loss of important family history.
Family history; genealogy is the link to our past, present and future.

What has happened along the way to our relationships? How can we build stronger families? There are strategies to assist us in our relationships.  

African American Marriage’s goal is to have visitors share information, interact and provide stories to uplift and empower African American couples. 

We can start with us and make a difference in life, in love and in our communities.

Black History:

A Time in African American Marriage History

People of African descent living as slaves in the United States during the early 1900's were not legally permitted to sign legal contracts such as marriage licenses. It was thought that African descendents of that time lacked the moral character and was too savage to uphold such contracts. The Civil Rights movements have given us the right to have our marriages legally recognized without the consent of slavemasters. Freed slaves generally took advantage of the right to marry when it was granted them. Jumping the broom is believed to be the symbolic way that our ancestors memorialized what was believed to be very special and sacred. Today no laws forbid us as African American people residing in the United States to legally commit our lives to our loved ones and family members.  Yet some may take this right for granted. It is significant to have legal documents that can be traced for generations to come that allow family members to find out facts about their family's past.  It is significant for children and individuals to know that they have a family that is eternally connected and committed to them. 
Artwork: itsablackthing.com

Katherine M. Franke, Becoming a Citizen: Reconstruction Era Regulation of African American Marriages , 11 Yale Journal of Law and the Humanities 251-309, 251-258, 307-309 (Summer 1999)

To ’Joy My Freedom: Southern Black Women’s Lives and Labors after the Civil War (Harvard University Press, 1997)

M.K. Asante, Jr. on his Film:
Black Candle

Kwaanza- The Celebration of African American Life
Remembering the spirit of Africans who came before us gives strength

Love, Drive, Passion, Advocacy

I had a chance to interview another dedicated married sister and here's what I found out.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter: I have been married for 10 years and I'm from Chicago, IL. The website is www.blackwivesclub.com or there is now a social network site www.blackwivesclub.ning.com.
 
Why do you feel marriage is important?
Marriage is important because our children are important. I believe that children get the absolute best start in life when they are brought up in a home with a healthy marriage.  A healthy marriage is the foundation of a strong happy family - that will produce successful children who will in turn have a healthy marriage and family and the cycle continues from there. 
 
You host a website on marriage. What is it that inspired you to become involved in helping others with their marriages? GOD and my marriage inspired me to become involved in helping others. I really feel like I have something great in my marriage that I can share with others and GOD blessed me with the gift of Life Coaching and guided me in the direction of coaching couples.
 
Why do you believe these websites that you hosts are important?
Both sites are so important because couples have to have a place to go that supports their marriages. Marriages take work and sometimes we just need a listening ear, some friendly advice from someone that has been there, a book recommendation that discusses the how-to's or services/professionals that are geared toward helping marriages. Marriage is a gift from GOD and it is a union that has to be nurtured, so having these necessary resources is so beneficial.
 
What do you believe is the future of African American marriage in the US?
I think our marriages still need work of course, but I am very optimistic about the future of marriage. Especially now that we have organizations and individuals who have made it their business to step in and provide services and products for healthy marriages. That's what needed to happen long ago, people had to step up and fight for marriages too in addition to fighting for our other causes.
 
What important concept should single black people know about black relationships before entering the union?
I think single people should be complete and happy with themselves before they enter a marriage. I think a lot of marriages struggle sometimes because of unrealistic expectations that are put on each partner. We have to know going in that only we are responsible for our own happiness and our own completeness. Our spouse is only suppose to add to the good thing we already have. And one more thing is acceptance. We can't go into a marriage thinking we are going to change someone, that thought can cause lots of dissapointments.
 
Marriage is such a part of life that you must learn so much as you develop your relationship. What are three things that you've learned about marriage since you've made the commitment?
I've learned that:
1. It's important to do your part (give your best) and let your spouse handle his/her part of the relationship
2. I have to trust my husband in leading our family
3. He is who is, and I don't have the power to change him I can only change me and how I react to him 
 
There is no perfect instruction manual to assist parents in raising their children? What are three things you've learned about parenting together with your partner?
I've learned that:
1. My husband and I want the same major things for our children
2. We have to show the children that we are on the same page
3. We have to show the children what a healthy love looks like, so they can look for the same thing
 
What are two challenges in marriage that you have overcome?
I've overcome wanting to change my husband. I used to get so upset cause he wouldn't do the things I wanted him to do, when I wanted him do them, now I am accepting him and loving him just the way he is, and it is so much less stressful that way.
I've also had to overcome the challenge of letting him lead our family. I was raised by a single mom, so I didn't see how a man was supposed to lead his family, so I had to get rid of that thinking and trust my husband to make the best decisions for our family and he hasn't steered us wrong.
 
Many women jump into marriage because they are in love with the idea of being in love. They later find it impossible to bring balance into their marriage with their husbands? As a woman, what do you see as key factors to maintaining balance with your husband in a marriage?
Be honest in your marriage, about what you're feeling, what you're needing and also be giving. It is not always all about us, you have to consider your spouse. If we stop just looking out for our own wants and needs and start looking out for our spouses things would be a lot different and you'll find that your spouse will start doing the same.
 
Is there anything that you would like to tell others about your website? What are some things others can expect to gain by visiting your website?
The Black Wives' Club is a site for married women. On the site you will find articles (written by our members), book recommendations, photos, advice from members, topics of the month, marriage challenges and dares, products and services that promote a healthy marriage. And now you can also be a part of the network blackwivesclub.ning.com where there is a forum where all the discussions happen.

May 2009- Are you in competition with other couples?

Each marriage is as unique as the two individuals involved. Each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. Each person has their own fears and moments of courage. Each person has their own level of creativity. Each person has their own ideas about spending or saving money. Each person has their own ideas about family, children, and parenting. Each person has their own ideas about privacy. Each person will battle with their beliefs about faith and religion. Each will go through life's changes unique to that person. 

This list goes on and on. The cons come along with the pros.

Therefore, if you are competing with another couple; you’re losing out on a healthy marriage.
 

Be inspired by other couples. Don’t feel the need to compete.

CNN’s BLACK in AMERICA

Abigail Ryan-Allrich

Akono Ekundayo (whose named has been changed) and Butch Warren are brothers who were raised in the same family. Yet Butch Warren became a high school superintendent and Akono entered the military and later did time in prison. Akono regrets that he has missed the opportunity to develop a bond with his adult daughter and his grandchild while Butch is accused to raising his sons “too white”.

April 04, 1968 was the day Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated. Students teased and taunted Butch and Akono about the death of the prominent leader. For both it is a difficult memory to speak of.

April 2008 marked the beginning of CNN’s documentary on African Americans. Solidad O’Brian hosted “Black in America”, a documentary that spanned the time of Martin Luther King’s assassination in April of 1968 to the current lives of African descendents living in the United States today. “Black in America” covers a wide range of topics. From the slave trade, African American accomplishments, education, racism against African Americans to poverty, interracial dating, hip hop, black women and black hair.

There are many real stories of Black realities covered in the series. In an attempt to educate them on what to do if stopped by a law enforcement officer, parents cover the topic with their sons. Comedian D.L. Hughley tells of a time when his son was stopped by police on the way to run an errand in the neighborhood.

The documentary is a strong effort to dispel the myths, discuss the statistics, and analyze the truths about life as an African American in the United States. 

CNN's Black in America:

State of Black Relationships

Domestic Violence and Dispute Resolution 

Many of the victims of domestic violence in intimate relationships are products of a violent family life who later enter relationships without clear strategies for choosing a mate and maintaining a relationship.

Most recently in the news, America has had the unfortunate opportunity to follow the outcome of a young couple's fall from grace. Singer, Chris Brown was publicly accused of beating singer Rihanna. As the case unfolds and the rumors spread, the public continues to draw their own conclusions. America has momentarily lost sight of the fact that domestic violence is far more wide spread and problematic than studies can accurately prove. This popular couple is in need of relationship skills and conflict resolution options. Without the right information and tools they will continue the same cycle either with each other or with another partner.

What new strategies may be needed? Can mandatory anger management classes help alleviate this problem? Can relationship skills courses for both partners teach individuals better ways to resolve their conflicts? What about mediation? Could this rising conflict resolution tool be helpful to allow the couple to communicate in a safe environment?

Domestic violence in relationships tend to be about allowing fear to lead to the desire to control a partner. That same fear leads to the urge to instill fear in the victim. Women have also been using techniques to ignite rage in their partners as a way to engage in a fight. After the male partner falls for the trap the female partner may call the police and have him arrested.

Enough talking about the problems. We need real solutions!!! We need to provide couples with skills that will enable them to have options.

Mediation is becoming increasingly available across America. Check with your local court or alternative dispute resolution center. You may do an online search to find out where to go in your area.

Mediation is an opportunity to meet with an impartial party who may assist you in coming up with an agreement. Let's figure out ways to eliminate problems before they grow into mountains.

What is it that makes people know that they're in love?

 
“Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love.” - Thich Nhat Hahn

 There is no “one size fits all” answer to the question. However the quote above is right on point. People must ask themselves several questions to determine whether or not they are in love. Here are a few below: Most importantly, do you understand this person?
How much do you know about this person?
How much do you know about the events in this person’s life that have helped to shape their attitudes about life and love?
How do you define love?
What are your conditions to love? Would you still love them if they lost their job, needed psychiatric care, or became an alcoholic?
Can you put aside your own selfish wants and desires to truly care for this person during their times of need?

Will this person be receptive of your love?

Will you still love this person if they were to fall seriously ill?

Will you still love this person if they gained a significant amount of weight?

Would you love this person if distance kept you apart for an extended period of time?

What does this person feel strongly about?
Do you know how this person displays their love?
Is this person aware of the way you show signs of love?

Do you find it easiest to communicate with this person?
The things that make you feel happiest; do they conflict with those of the person you are in love with?
Is this lust or true love?

We want to know that there is at least one person in our lives who we can really depend on to be there when the chips are down. Can you be there for this person when they are suffering? Can you communicate your suffering to this person?We must not mistake a call to service for love. There are times in our lives when we meet individuals who we are most able to help. We think about how we can be of service and lose sight of the reality. We were called to service and not necessarily to begin a love affair. So you see; there is much to think about.

The Different Ways We Show Our Love

Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation

I try to make it a point to provide as much compliments to my husband as possible. Also, every time he does something that pleases me I try to acknowledge it verbally. I understand that encouragement can make a world of difference.

2. Quality time
We don’t spend much time together considering my husband’s active duty status in the military. For this reason we try to make our moments together count. It may not presently be about quantity time together; but we strongly focus on quality. 

 3. Gifts
You may value well thought out gifts as a symbol of affection. Well thought out gifts may not mean the same thing to everyone. It’s important to be clear on what you or your mate considers to be sentimental. My husband once bought me four items he purchased during a trip overseas. Since I grew up in a single parent household, my family has always shared as much as possible with each other. As a result I often still share as well. However, I learned that my husband felt that these items he gave me should have been sentimental and I went ahead and shared it without finding out his opinion. He felt that I didn’t like the items. Instead, I thought it would be a great idea to share the wonderful items with my family. If one is not able to get it quite right, remember the wise saying, “It's the thought that counts.”

 4. Acts of Service
Finding a way to be of service to your spouse is always a great way to bring about closeness. Again, everyone does not think alike. I love to do things for my husband. However, he is very independent and takes pride in doing as much for himself as he is capable of.

 5. Physical touch
Growing up in my family there were no physical displays of affection. I would say acts of service were the most common ways the family showed they cared for each other. So naturally, as an adult, physical display of affection was very awkward for me. In comparison, my husband found physical displays of affection beyond natural but rather necessary.

 
Observe the love language most commonly used by your mate. Ask your mate about their preferences, satisfaction levels and honor their desires. Chances are greater satisfaction will be reached. If you focus on all the negative aspects of your relationship these negative things will maximize.

But you can make a choice to focus on and encourage all the positive things that your mate does to contribute to the relationship.

For more info on love languages, check out the book: The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman.

Bringing Out the Best

Abigail Ryan-Allrich

According to the U.S. Census, Forty-two percent of African-Americans are getting married, in comparison to 61% of Caucasians. Of those 42% , 12% have later filed for divorce, while 62% remain single-parent families.

In order to transform these dismal statistics we must understand what is at the heart of the matter. One theory is that we have inherited past pain, yet we have learned undauntedly to remain resilient. Unfortunately, the vestige of slavery and its domino effect has produced such a forceful momentum that it can still be seen in our daily lives but is seldom discussed.

According to Brenda Richardson and Dr. Brenda Wade, in their thought-provoking book, "What Mama Couldn't Tell Us About Love," too many failed myths remain embedded in many of us. These myths include "conflict in a relationship is inherently negative," "great sex is a sign that the relationship will lead to a successful marriage," and "a couple must live together to discern whether or not their relationship will endure."

Conflict is inevitable within relationships involving individuals with different social, religious and economic upbringings, and also different geographic areas. A couple desiring a lasting marriage must consistently work towards this goal, with undying faith.

The needs of men often differ from that of women. Men often yearn for respect, while women generally want to feel loved. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs explains this concept fully in his book titled, "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs."

So, you want to find out how to bring out the best in marriage? As is the case with most things in life, educating yourself is the answer.

PBS African American Lives:

The single most crucial link in understanding yourself is understanding your history. PBS television brings African American history to life in African American lives. The link has been provided for your knowledge and understanding.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/aalives/

Black Marriage: Our World with Black Enterprise

Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage. Cherish companionship and
learn to grow from each challenge as you have in your lives so far. ~

~African American Weddings~

Many African American people spend large amounts of money on dresses, flowers, rentals, locations, and alcohol; all in the name of the fairytale wedding. People all want the beautiful wedding photos taken at that beautiful site. We design beautiful indoor or outdoor areas, tables and favors. We invite as many guests as we can get together in one place to be apart of such a life changing experience; all in the name of a culture that does not belong to us as people of African descent.

What happens after the wedding day?

How do we make the love last?

Is it really the ring on the finger that makes a marriage strong?

Is it the ceremony or reception that will keep a marriage together for years to come?

Marriage is about relationships. Good relationships help us build bridges. These constructive relationship bridges lead to financial, emotional, and social success. As an African American, it is important to me to see us build bridges. Our strong marriages will lead to even greater things.

5 Ways to Honor Your African American Spouse 

By: Abigail Ryan-Allrich 

• Include your other half in all important decisions, such as money. Finances are the number one cause for divorce. Find out the best ways to budget your money and get the most out of your relationship. Don’t let finances become the obstacle that wears away your marriage. Attend seminars.
 
• Be forthcoming in reporting your spending. Covering up debt, shopping addictions, or frivolous shopping tendencies will not ensure a happy marriage. By admitting the problem, the resolution can be sought.
 
• Delegate tasks to the person who enjoy it most. We generally excel at the things we enjoy doing. If we incorporate this idea into a marriage, it may produce happier participants. Allow the delegated person to manage their tasks on their own without interference.
 
• Find out which expressions of love work best for your spouse. Maybe your other half would prefer travel plans as opposed to a night out, a creative and romantic time at home as opposed to going to a big party. Discuss the options and find out what your spouse would prefer.
 
• Do not hold on to past grudges. The goal is to support, learn from each other and grow. Practice compromise and forgiveness.

5 Reasons To Stay Happily Married:

Help save the earth: The electricity and gas use of divorced families residing in separate residences usually exceed that of happily married couples residing together and/or with their children. That’s excessive energy use that could be conserved. 

Save money: Preventing the numerous trials involved in contested divorces can save a feuding couple thousands of dollars. Happily married couples split financial costs and support each other’s financial growth together. 

Set an example: Future generations will look to the generations before them to develop notions about marriage. Do you believe that these generations should commit to each other and raise the grandchildren of the future to understand what it takes to maintain strong family bonds and productive relationships throughout their lives? 

Decrease stress: Unity fosters strength. Happily married couples can develop techniques to cope with stress as a unit rather than face the world alone. Teach your children unity and stress management techniques for life’s inevitable ups and downs. 

Encouragement:  Aspirations can be reached in the loving company of a kind and supportive mate. Kind and encouraging words can help our loved ones reach farther than they imagined. If you don’t believe this, then try it. Encourage each other to overcome fears, anxiety, obstacles and setbacks to reach dreams.

Indie Arie Sings About Love and Forgiveness